The Fine Art of Escape
by 911weasleytwins
Summary: "Sirius Black and his cronies have tried- ALL HAVE FAILED." This is the story of the seven times the Marauders tried to escape the Hogwarts Express- and their misadventures along the way.
1. Year 1

**You all know the line- the one that set Marauders fans on fire for a week after the release of The Cursed Child. Well, here's my interpretation of what happened those times with the trolley lady- please enjoy and review. Props to my dear friend Annika for helping me brainstorm this idea and giving me the kick I needed to start writing again. I'll post this in seven segments, one a day. Don't worry, I haven't abandoned Change of Heart, I'm just trying to get this out of my head while I figure out what's going on in COH next. Cheers, enjoy!**

 _Year 1_

"Come on, Sev, let's go."

As the door slid shut behind the fuming redheaded girl, James looked to the boy draped across the seat next to them. "Jeez, what's her problem?"

Sirius shrugged. "Who knows, James. There's always someone with their wand in a knot."

Remus tilted his ear up. "What's that noise?"

The other three boys fell silent. Slowly and steadily, a continuous _squeak-squeak-squeak_ flooded the hall outside the compartment. Out of nowhere, an old, crackling voice came from a sweet looking woman. "Anything from the trolley, dears?"

Peter looked up at her in surprise. "I thought there were only students on this train," he mumbled, studying the cart full of treats from the corner of his eye."

"No, no, dear," the lady said, handing Remus a stack of chocolate frogs from in exchange for a stack of Sickles. "There's the engineer, and the conductor, and me."

Remus smirked. "I would have thought that there were more, Petey," he said ,tossing Sirius one of his newly acquired chocolates. James chuckled as well, taking a stack of Pumpkin Pasties from the cart. "It takes more than just one adult to keep _me_ in line, lads."

The trolley lady smiled amiably. "I wouldn't think so. I've been doing this for nearly a hundred years, and not one student has left the train. Will that be all, dears?"

Taking their shocked silence as affirmation, she left, the high treble of her calls for sweets matching the squeaky wheels of the cart. The four boys looked at each other, each one beginning to grin.

"I don't know about you, gentlemen, but a hundred years is a long time for no one to break a record," Sirius said, a smirk twisting his already handsome face.

"This would be a remarkably good time to make our mark on the school," Remus said, standing up from his seat.

"Imagine, being the first students to ever escape the Hogwarts Express- as first years!" Peter said, his eyes alight with excitement.

"Well, there's no time like the present, eh, lads?" James said, sliding the compartment door open.

The four boys crept down the hall, passing compartments full of students. With the trolley lady nowhere in sight, James pushed the door between the cars open.

The wind whipped around them, cutting through thin jumpers and pants. James stuck his head out and peered around, rumpling up his already too-messy hair. Clambering over to the ladder leading to the top of the train, the four began the climb to the top of the car.

The three boys hoisted the last, Peter, to the top, and began to make the long trek to the back of the train.

"You know, maybe we should have gotten to the back of the train _before_ we climbed on top of it!" Remus shouted above the wind, clutching his shabby sweater around him.

"Don't be ridiculous! She would have caught us before we made it past the third car!" Sirius screamed over the roar of the wind.

"I think she already has!" Peter yelled, pointing ahead of them.

The three other boys whipped around to see the sweet old lady, complete with sweet trolley, standing a car away from them. Too shocked to move, they stood as she moved closer to them with a flash of light.

"No one has escaped this train in a hundred years, and I don't intend that to start now!"

Moving faster than any of them imagined, Remus darted out and took a Chocoball from the bottom of the cart. "RUN!" he screamed over the wind, turning on the heel of his worn leather shoes and grabbing Sirius by the wrist.

"HOW DARE YOU, THIEVING, MARAUDERING DELINQUENTS! TAKE YOUR SEATS INSIDE THE TRAIN!"

James seemed to find his legs. Running at full force, he quickly overtook the panting Remus and wildly laughing Sirius.

 _Wait- Peter._

James looked back in horror just as he saw Peter trip and fall over a vent on the roof of the train. He lunged to go scoop him off the ground, but the trolley lady got there first. She threw a Pumpkin Pasty at him, and he disappeared in the same flash of light she had appeared in.

The three other boys roared in outrage. "What did you do with Peter?!" Sirius screamed, stumbling back up the roof of the train towards the witch.

"Oh, he's quite safe, I assure you," she said, smiling kindly again as though she hadn't just vanished a human into thin air. Expertly lobbing another pasty, James disappeared at once, then Remus.

Sirius found himself alone on the roof of the train with a sweet, possibly murderous old lady. She prepared to throw another pasty as Sirius pointed his finger at her.

"This isn't over, you know," he said, scowling as she swung her arm back.

"Oh, I think it is," she said, smiling, as Sirius was engulfed in a bright orange flash. He closed his eyes and prepared for death.

However, when he opened his eyes, he was surrounded by his three friends. He stood up and blinked his eyes to get the bright flash out of his eyes.

"I didn't think heaven would look like this, but hey. I'm not God, that's not up to me. Yet," Sirius said, throwing himself down on the seat next to James. He picked up a Pumpkin Pasty and wrinkled his nose. "You know, I don't think I even feel safe eating this anymore."

Remus laughed, one leg of a chocolate frog sticking out of his mouth. "We're not dead, idiot," he said, pointing to the glass. Outside, a number of students were roaming the corridor, all changed into their Hogwarts uniform. "She must have transported us back using the pasty, somehow."

"What was it she called us? Thieving, maraudering delinquents? You know, that would make a pretty sweet group name," James said contemplatively, pouring a packet of Pepper Imps into his mouth.

"What about just the Marauders?" Remus said cheerily. "That's snappier."

A slow grin spread across James' face. "The Marauders. Yeah, I like it. Pete?"

Peter shook his gaze away from the window. "What?"

"The Marauders. Cool group name, right?"

"Yeah," Peter said, smile fading. "You guys have fun."

"Wait, don't you want to be in?"

Peter frowned. "Wait, you guys want me to be part of your group?"

"Well, yeah!"

Peter's grin unfurled over his face. "The Marauders. I like it."

Remus grinned. "Magical Mischief Makers."

"Pranksters extraordinaire," Sirius added.

"Well, would the school's soon-to-be-infamous troublemakers sit around on the train?" James said, standing up. "NO! You can't wait for trouble to find you, you have to go find the trouble."

He touched the door and immediately yanked it back, yelping as a flash of orange light engulfed his hand. It steamed as he shook it, and James sat back down without further ado.

"It appears-" James said cautiously as the other three exploded into laughter- "that the trolley lady is not in favor of the newly titled troublemakers making their mark on Hogwarts history just yet."

"Ah, well," Remus said, pulling a deck of cards from his trunk, "I suppose trouble will have to find us after all."

"We'll have plenty of time to wreak havoc once we get to school, anyways," Sirius said, accepting the hand Remus had dealt him.

"And we'll make all the trouble we can!" Peter added, smiling.

And let the record show that they certainly made good on that promise.


	2. Year 2

**Alright, here we go. Chapter two, on schedule as promised. Spread this to others, maybe, would you? I'd like others to see this, too. Please review! I'm so inspired by your kind words and support. By the way, what did you guys think of the trolley lady's hands turning into spikes in CC? I thought it was kind of weird, but hey. I'm not J.K. She's a multimillionaire, I'm not. So I guess she can do whatever she wants.**

 **Change of Heart has a chapter about halfway done. I promise I'll have it out to you soon. Probably.**

 **Thank you again, and on to the lads' second year aboard the Hogwarts Express!**

 _Year 2_

"Remus!" James exclaimed from the compartment aboard the Hogwarts Express. "In here!"

Waving the lanky young man over from the glass door, James was joined by an excitable boy whose hair hung carelessly but elegantly over his shoulders. "Come on, mate, we've got planning to do!"

Remus stepped into the compartment and slid the door shut behind him. Taking a seat beside Peter, he stole a Chocolate Wand from the stack of sweets beside the young boy.

"What took you so long?" Sirius said, flicking a black jellybean out the open window.

"Got caught talking to Lily," Remus said, struggling to unwrap the candy.

James' head whipped up. "Lily? Lily Evans?"

"That is the only Lily in our year," Remus answered distractedly, picking up his wand and muttering, "Diffendo!" to open the stubborn package.

James sank backwards into his seat. "She didn't answer any of my owls this summer," he murmured, a soft look on his face. Remus snorted. "Yeah, no wonder why, you annoyed her and Snivellus beyond belief last year. She even went so far as to call you 'her arch nemesis' at one point during our conversation."

James sat straight up, eyes sparkling. "She _mentioned me?_ "

"I believe she mentioned a 'conniving, thieving, annoying arrogant toerag who can't see further than the tip of his glasses with no regard for those around him'."

James whooped. "SHE ACKNOWLEDGED ME!"

"She was joined in that description by Snivellus, who used significantly less kind words."

James scowled and sat back down. "She's still hanging out with him, then?"

"He is supposedly her best friend."

"What does she see in him?"

"What would she see in _you_?" Sirius interjected, to the chorus of Remus and Peter's whoops.

James shoved Sirius off the bench. "Stuff it, mate." He settled back into his seat. "Anyways, we have bigger plimpies to pickle at the moment. How are we going to get off the train this year?"

"Why don't we go out the back of the train this time?" Remus said thoughtfully. "If I'm correct in assuming you got all these sweets from the trolley lady already, that means she's already made her rounds. She probably went up front to snog the conductor or something."

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, Remus, none of us want to think about that."

"He's probably right, you know. I, personally, don't want to walk against the wind to the front again. Let's go through the train and hop off the car at the end." James said, standing up. "Peter? You think it's good?"

Peter shifted uncomfortably. "Maybe you should go without me," he mumbled, fiddling with the wrapper of a packet of Droobles'.

Sirius frowned, confused. "What? Why would we leave you?"

He pulled his legs up onto the seat in front of him. "I'm the weak link," he said, avoiding eye contact. "I'm the reason we got caught in the first place last year. If I hadn't tripped, you guys wouldn't have been caught, and then you would have escaped and become Hogwarts legends."

James sat down beside Peter. "Don't be ridiculous. You didn't get us caught, we probably wouldn't have made it off either way. Our plan was flawed." He pulled Peter to his feet. "Listen, Pete, you're one of us. One of the Marauders. We're already Hogwarts legends- and you're a part of that. Whose idea was it to blow up all the jack o'lanterns last year? Yours. Whose idea was it to charm Snape's Christmas crackers to give him aprons and bonnets? Yours. You're good, Peter. And without you, there is no Marauders. If we become legends, we become legends together, alright?"

Peter stood up wearily. "I still think you'd be better off without me."

Sirius shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous, Pete. You're leading the way." He shoved Peter out the compartment door, who began trudging down the corridor without looking back. Sharing a look, the three other Marauders chased after him.

 _-x-x-x-_

"So this is the end of the Hogwarts Express," James said, looking out the window at the back of the car.

"You know, I was kind of hoping there'd be a door leading out the end," Remus said, peeking over James' shoulder. "But of course not. That would be too easy."

Peter was looking at the placard on the door to the final car. "You know, maybe we should be quieter. It says this car is 'strictly banned for those who do not wish to die a most painful death'."

"Psh," Sirius said, waving Peter's worries off. "Dumbledore says that all the time, he probably doesn't mean it. It's just to keep the pansies out. Really, what's so dangerous about this car?"

"Me," said a cracked but kind old voice said. Turning around, the four boys caught sight of the dreaded trolley lady.

Remus wrinkled his nose. "I wouldn't call you dangerous, per se," he said, looking at her thoughtfully. "Your pasties, perhaps, but not you."

Her eyes glinted as she stepped out from behind the trolley. "I have never let a student off before they arrived at their destination. I will certainly not let the likes of you escape."

Her hands lengthened and transformed into large, ice-white spikes. "How dangerous am I now, Mr. Lupin?"

"RUN!" Sirius yelled, dragging James, Remus, and Peter out the door behind him. Quickly outstripping the trolley lady, Sirius looked behind them to check where they were going and tripped over a stray bag, landing unceremoniously in the middle of the hallway and taking Remus and James down with him.

"PETER!" James yelled to the boy still running, who didn't see the others had fallen. "RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TIME!"

Peter looked around and stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, staring at the pile of human limbs trying to unwind from one another. _This is my chance to prove I'm not the worthless Marauder. Not to them, to myself._

He swiveled around and began charging back down the corridor and pulled Remus out of the mass of bodies, flinging him unceremoniously into the nearest open compartment.

He turned to pick up Sirius, the nearing footsteps of the trolley lady pounding in his ears. His heart beat louder and louder- he'd forgotten the adrenaline rush mischief gave him over his quiet summer with his mother. With a mighty heave, Sirius was shoved inside the compartment.

He couldn't see the trolley lady yet, but as he slung James' arm over his shoulder to put him in the compartment, he could hear the heavy _thump-thump-thump_ of her feet accompanied by the squeak of the trolley. He threw James into the compartment and hurled himself inside, closing the door without a moment to spare. He watched from on top of the pile of bodies on the floor of the compartment as the trolley lady barreled by, her spiky arms swinging as she pushed the cart down the corridor looking for the four boys.

James sat up, toppling Peter from his perch on top of the other three young men. "See, Peter, of course you're a Marauder. You just saved the lot of us from death by impaling."

Sirius rubbed his head and chuckled. "What kind of madman puts a woman like that on board a train full of children?" he said in a long-suffering voice. "We could have been killed by- by-"

"Vladmira the Impaler?" Remus suggested, starting to laugh uncontrollably.

James smiled, then looked around. "Hello, lads, sorry for imposing. There was a bit of a near-death situation that required us to appropriate your compartment. How was your summer, Frank? Augusta as imposing as always? Tell her that her favorite nephew misses her when you write her next."

Frank Longbottom stuck his head out the door, quickly followed by Caradoc Dearborn and Kingsley Shacklebolt, all with identical looks of incredulity on their faces. "Was that the _trolley lady_?" Frank asked, stunned.

Peter laughed and stood up, helping Sirius to his feet. "We would stay to explain, Frank, but the Marauders have much more to do this journey. After all, we can't wait for trouble to find us, we have to go find the trouble!" he crowed, speeding out the door.

The three others looked at each other and high-fived, following Peter out to go look for all the trouble they could find.


	3. Year 3

**Hello again! I'm back with another installment of everyone's favorite mischief makers and their adventures aboard the Hogwarts Express. I'm trying to vary what they do, but there's only so much, you know? I have all seven of the years mapped out, but I think I might switch this story to every other day so I can actually write Change of Heart, because I'm woefully behind on it. So don't expect daily updates; maybe every couple of days from now on.**

 **Additionally, I'm not going to be writing these all from the same perspective; it'll switch between the four Marauders depending on the storyline. Tell me what you think!**

 **Please review, follow, and share it with your friends! All your feedback and support means so much to me and I hope you all know I appreciate all you do. Cheers, and enjoy!**

 _Year 3_

Their third year, the four young boys waited until the seemingly sweet old trolley lady had passed their compartment. After an icily scrutinizing glare and the purchase of four Cauldron Cakes as well as an enormous amount of Ice Mice, she passed on to the next compartment.

James stood up and straightened the jumper under his wrinkled robes. "Right, lads, are we ready?"

Remus grinned, his bright smile splitting his scarred face. Standing up on the tips of his scuffed leather shoes, he slid the windowpane open.

"James, aren't we always?"

Peter groaned. "Are we really going up top _again_?" he asked, burying his face in his hands. Sirius smirked and clapped Peter on the back, then climbed on the seat, stepping on Remus' shoulder to hoist himself out the window. "Of course, Petey. There's no way out the back, and Vladmira the Impaler has undoubtedly put charms on the doors to make sure we don't open one mid-journey. There's a perfectly functional window right here and she's gone now, so we can go about our merry way. Just watch the ground if we have to run this time." Sirius pushed on Remus' shoulder to get a good boost, much to the disdain of the young man himself, and disappeared out the window.

"What are we going to do once we get off the train?" Peter said wonderingly as he took Remus' offered hand to follow Sirius onto the roof of the train. James smirked and followed. "The question isn't what are we going to do, it's what _aren't_ we going to do."

 _-x-x-x-_

Once all four boys were on the roof, they stood up and looked around. Remus broke the silence. "You know, maybe we should have figured out _how_ we're getting off before actually trying to get off the train," he said frankly.

"Cushioning Charm?" Sirius suggested.

"That's ridiculous," James said dismissively. "Evans is the only one in our year who can properly do one, and that's because she's some kind of bloody Charms prodigy or something."

"Yeah, we'd all probably get smashed to bits if we tried," Peter agreed. "Don't we go over a river in a little while?"

"Yeah," Remus said. "The track runs through Yorkshire Dales and over the River Nidd. But before you say what I think you're going to, that bridge is fifty meters in the air and without a proper Cushioning Charm, we'd be just as dead as if we were jumping onto solid land."

"Well, I guess we just have to lurk up and down the train, and if we find an opportunity, we take it," James said decidedly.

"One slight problem, Jamesy," Sirius said, holding up a finger as James prepared to charge down the length of the train. "We can't go gallivanting up and down the train's roof, Vladmira will see us within a few minutes. She probably already knows we're up here and she's just trying to get her trolley up the ladder."

"Ah, but I thought ahead, my dear Sirius," James said, whipping a length of silvery cloth out of his back pocket. "The Invisibility Cloak, at your service."

"You know it's not going to cover all of us, James," Remus said amusedly. "I'm about a foot taller than all of you."

"So you crouch," James said, unperturbed. "If we see an opportunity, we jump. Or, we push the others off if they don't think the opportunity is so… opportune."

"Not to mention, we're on the top of the train," Peter added. "It might blow away."

"Well, what would you lot recommend? Disillusionment Charms? Once again, Evans is the only one in our year good enough to perform them at a functional level. It's got to be the cloak. Anyways, we'll keep a tight hold on it; it won't slip away. Now, come on, lads, get under, and we'll start heading to the front of the train."

"Anything from the trolley, dears?"

It took all of Remus had in him to not dart away and scream at the top of his lungs. After what he'd seen Vladmira do- well, he was pretty afraid of the less-than-harmless old trolley witch. Only the thin shimmer of the Invisibility Cloak around him and Sirius' hand on his shoulder kept him stuck in place.

"I have sensory charms in place," she said sweetly. "I know someone is up here, and since you four are the only ones to have tried to escape in the last two years, I know it must be you." She pulled out her wand and whispered, "Homenum revelio!"

Remus felt as if something was being sucked out of his chest. The wrinkled old trolley witch held the wand up to her ears and nodded. "Just as I thought- four young wizards lurking about the roof of the Hogwarts Express. Now, who could that possibly be?"

The four boys looked at each other nervously, edging back towards their window. Taking care to move as a group, they crept closer and closer to the open ledge.

Just then, a strong gust blew up and blew the Invisibility Cloak out of the grip of the four boys, revealing them to the trolley witch.

"MY CLOAK!" screamed James, who took off running down the top of the carriage with the other three boys close at his heels. Catching it by the tips of his fingers, he took one look at the trolley witch, now much closer than she was before, turned on his heels and barreled in the opposite direction.

"Do any of you remember which window leads to our compartment?" Sirius asked between pants.

The other three looked at each other with wide eyes.

"Uh-"

"Er-"

"Ah-"

They came to a halt where the engine met the cars. Sirius spoke from beside Remus. "So this is how it ends, gentlemen."

"Death at the hands of a hundred year old woman," Peter added.

"Is that even honorable?" James asked, screwing his face up curiously.

"It is if she kicks ass and her hands turn into spikes," Remus muttered. The other three considered this, then nodded in agreement.

"To a noble death, lads," James said. "It was nice knowing you all."

"Not so fast," Remus said suddenly. "How far is she from us, Pete?"

Peter squinted at the old lady three cars away from them. "Looks like her cart is stuck on that stupid vent- ha, eat that, witch, now you know how it feels-" Remus jabbed him in the ribs. "Sorry, you probably have about a minute and a half 'til she can get her cart wheeled over here."

"Fortunately for us," Remus said, pointing self-satisfiedly beside them- "the first window of the train is open just enough for three teenage boys to vault right in. Peter, after you."

She was approaching quickly as Remus stuffed Sirius in through the window. James motioned Remus ahead. "Nah, go ahead," Remus said before James could open his mouth. "She kind of likes me because of all my chocolate purchases- I'm probably her biggest customer. I'd get off easier than you. Go ahead."

James shrugged, and without any further ado, disappeared down the side of the train. Remus looked down the length of the car. She had finally gotten her trolley unstuck and was about twenty yards away from him as James' body finally disappeared through the window. He lowered himself down the side of the car- _god, the wind is fast here, maybe I should have thought twice before suggesting this- shut up, Remus, just get it done. And hey, if you let go, you'll be the first person to get off the Hogwarts Express before it reaches its destination…_

He closed his eyes and swung himself through the open window, landing on a pile of warm bodies. He opened his eyes and found himself face to face with Bertram Aubrey, Hogwarts' new head boy.

 _Uh-oh._

The four Marauders found themselves completely surrounded in the prefects' compartment.

 _-x-x-x-_

"You know, I don't know if it would have been worse to have been impaled by Vladmira on her wicked icicle arms, or to suffer through Aubrey's speech about how we're the dregs of Hogwarts society and how we're never going to amount to anything when we grow up," Sirius said brightly. "I mean, I get that in every letter from my mother, I don't need it from him too."

"On the bright side, we did break a Hogwarts record today," Remus said, trailing his hand against the wall beside him. James looked at him curiously. "What're you talking about, Remus? We didn't get off the Express."

"No, we didn't," Remus chuckled. "Although, I did briefly consider letting go of the train when we were vaulting into the prefect's compartment just so I could be the one to beat that record."

"Then what did we beat, Remus?" Peter said impatiently.

Remus smirked. "I do believe we are the first Hogwarts students to ever get detention before term began."

The other four grinned. "We're on the path to becoming legends, lads," James said, opening the door to their compartment. "Cheers."

"Cheers, indeed," Remus said, going in to plan out the rest of their trip's trouble.


	4. Year 4

**Hello, folks! Here we have me, a terrible person, nonchalantly updating as though it hasn't been three months since I've paid any attention at all to this fic. Did I say I was going to post every other day? Heh. Well, we all saw how that turned out.**

 **I'm sorry, guys, I suck. Hey, life sucks, though. At least I'm trying.**

 **I have the whole story mapped out by now, though, it's just a matter of typing it, and getting through the horror of writing a Peter Pettigrew makeout scene. Sorry, it's necessary for a good joke, also for the plot of this entire chapter. I assume no responsibility for any innards you may throw up.**

 **Thanks for sticking around, though. You guys are the greatest.**

 _Year 4_

Kissing wasn't like anything Peter had ever experienced before.

He'd spent a lot of time thinking about it, certainly, especially with respects to a certain blond-haired witch now stuffed in a broom closet at the end of the train with him.

Before last year, kissing was something to be laughed at, or disgusted by when his mom kissed one of her boyfriends. It was something he and Sirius would laugh at when someone stopped in the middle of the corridor to do it- usually accompanied by a "Get out of the way, idiot!" and a Tongue-Tying Hex fired from Remus's wand once they were a safe distance away.

James was the first to go. Arguably, he had always been a romantic- his head had been tied up with Lily Evans since the moment they met her on the train. It was "Evans this" and "Evans that" every morning of their first year, and had only picked up speed since then.

Remus was the next. He was a different kind of interested, though- every time he made eye contact with Amelia Bones starting in the middle of his second year, he would blush furiously, mumble some hurried excuse, gather his things, and escape to the library with no regard to where he was- whether it was on the grounds, at meals, or in the middle of class.

Peter's eye had been caught by Emmeline Vance during his third year. Her pretty blond hair and sunny disposition attracted him- that, and the fact that she was one of the only girls who knew he actually existed. She never failed to smile and say hello to him in the halls, and when he couldn't find any of the lads during Quidditch matches- since James and Sirius were playing, and Remus often ran off to hide in the library after an unexpected encounter with Amelia- she would always swoop in and rescue him, taking him to sit in the Hufflepuff side of the stands.. She introduced him to the Beatles his third year- he had listened to _Revolver_ nonstop until Remus took it upon himself to chuck the record out the tower window of the boys' dormitory. She was the dream. And he was lucky enough to be kissing her on the Hogwarts Express.

"COME ON, PETE!" One large hand wrapped around his forearm, yanking him unceremoniously from the broom closet where he was half-entwined with Emmeline. Leaving her spluttering indignantly behind him, Peter looked at Sirius with the darkest scowl he could muster.

"Sirius, what the _hell_?"

"Kissing can't compare to our annual escape, Petey! Nothing can outdo the Marauders' yearly trip off the Hogwarts Express!"

"You say that as if we've ever gotten off."

"Don't you rain on my parade, boy-o."

"You want to talk about raining on parades? What about one of my best mates dragging me out of the best experience of my miserable life?"

"Wow, I'm offended you didn't choose any of the multitude of times I've sat on your lap for that."

"Please. That's my future wife, I was kissing her. That is undoubtedly the best day of my life."

"Isn't that a bit presumptuous?"

"Well, it isn't going to happen now, you made me ditch her. She'll never speak to me again."

"Please, Pete. It's my fault, blame it on me when you see her next. I don't give a damn."

"This is the end of my life."

Sirius clapped Peter on the back. "There'll be other birds, lad. Now come on, James and Remus are waiting for us in the compartment. Remus came up with a rather brilliant plan as to how we can… circumvent Vladmira this year."

"Well, there's no point in going back now, is there?"

"You know I'd just send James next time, and he'd be far more embarrassing than I am. Cooing, congratulating- the whole shebang. When it comes to romance, he's a mother hen. Ridiculous."

"I can't believe I'm beginning to feel grateful for _you_ dragging me out of a snog."

"Most everything can become pleasant when pitted against something worse."

"Wise words, Sirius."

The two walked into the compartment, where James and Remus had turned Peter's trunk on its side and laid it across the two benches to create a table, of sorts. The two tall boys blocked Peter's view of what was lying on the bench, despite his attempts to stand on his toes, peek over their shoulders, and climb onto James' back. Giving up, he flopped on the bench with a sigh and grabbed a packet of Fizzing Whizbees.

"So, what's the plan?"

James and Remus turned around with identical mischievous grins on their faces. "While you were… occupied by the charming Miss Vance, Remus and I have been doing the serious prep work," James said,

Remus nodded in agreement. "We were so smooth, we were _made_ to be spies."  
James nodded smugly. "Distraction, sweet talk, charm- we have it _all_."

"So smooth, we could have been Fortescue's chocolate velvet ice cream sundae."

"Our sweet talk was so charming, any woman would have fallen head over heels for us immediately."

Sirius snorted. "This from the two blokes who embarrass themselves any time the bird they fancy gets near."

Remus turned red and began to choke on his Chocoball. James thumped him on the back, scowling at Sirius. "Please, Sirius. Who could control themselves around Evans?"

The three remaining boys in the compartment raised their hands. James huffed, leaning back on the makeshift table. "I was standing up for you, Remus, you traitor. Should have let you choke."

Sirius waved his hand. "This isn't the point. Tell Petey what you did, without the egotistical side comments to distract yourselves from the fact that you can't talk to women."

"I can so talk to women!" Remus protested.

"Fine, you can't talk to Amelia. You run away every time she's near. Just get on with the story, or we'll get to Hogwarts before we even have a chance to use our secret weapons."

James stood back up. "Right. Well, as we were saying before we were so _rudely_ interrupted-" he said with a pointed glare towards Sirius, "-while you were charming the wits off of Miss Vance, Remus and I implemented the first step of our plan."

"When Vladmira the Impaler wheeled on by, I distracted her by buying a rather ridiculous amount of chocolate," Remus said, brushing off the sleeves of his worn sweater. "Meanwhile, James, who was lurking next door in Frank's compartment, snuck out and nicked four pasties from her 'special stash' in her apron pocket."

"What's that supposed to do?" Peter said dismissively. "She'll just figure out how we're going to escape quicker, and she'll be waiting for us. Looks like it's doomed already, lads, I'm sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a lovely young lady waiting for me-"

"Not so fast, Petey," Sirius said, his hand darting out to catch the sleeve of Peter's jumper. "We need you for this one."

"We need you for all of them, actually, you're a valued member of our team-" James began anxiously.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're a mother hen. But you really don't need me for this-" Peter started again, trying fruitlessly to escape from Sirius' grip.

"You'll understand when we show you the plan," Remus said smugly.

"Then show me and get on with it!"

"These ill-gotten-pasties, as we have all seen, have rather, ah, unique abilities."

"Transportational abilities, in fact," James added.

"Our plan is to get up on the roof, and when Vladmira the Impaler inevitably hunts us down, we can chuck the pasties at her to get her back in the train, buying us enough time to get to the River Nidd, where the bridge is low enough that we can safely jump into the water. It'll be great. We'll be legends," Remus said.

"Why do you specifically need me, again?" Peter asked.

"We need you to carry and fire the pasties."

"Why me?"

"You have a unique and wonderful gift with spatial reckoning and trajectory, as illustrated by the fact that you have never once lost a snowball fight. That'll make it easy for you to understand the gusts, patterns, and safe spots to throw according to the conditions on the roof. We need you, Pete," James said.

Peter sighed. "Fine, let's get this over with."

The boys around him whooped, and without any further ceremony, they gathered the pasties up, pulled on their cloaks, and boosted each other out the window.

Peter had forgotten how cold the roof of the train was. It was a shocking contrast to the warm companionship of his friends, or the even more desirable embrace of Emmeline…

Peter shook his head. _Can't think like that. We just need to finish this. The sooner we're done, the sooner I can go back and apologize…_

Peter could see the river approaching quickly. "Where is she?" he yelled to Sirius over the roar of the wind. Sirius shrugged.

"It would kind of be a pity to waste our secret weapons on an unchallenging escape," Remus said, seeming slightly crestfallen.

"Oh, you're right. We'd better go back in and try another time, when there is honor and valor in our escape!" Peter said, attempting a winning smile.

All three of the other boys turned around to look at him with disgust. "We can't all be selfish, Peter. Just because you're the only one of us with a _girlfriend_ doesn't mean you have to rub it in our-" James broke off suddenly. "Code Orange!" he said in a panicked whisper, jabbing his finger behind Peter.

The other three boys moved in front of Peter, shielding him from any prematurely-flung pasties that might come from Vladmira. "When did we decide it was Code Orange?" Sirius asked. "That's the worst code name I've ever heard."

"Orange after the pasties, clearly," James said, inching closer to Vladmira.

"Sirius is right, James," Remus said, moving out to the right, his eyes fixed on the pleasantly smiling old lady and her cart full of sweets. "It's a terrible name."

"This really isn't the time!" Peter hissed from behind them"

"Did you really think I wouldn't notice my missing pasties, gentlemen?" Vladmira said, carefully wheeling her cart around the dents, vents, and ledges on the train roof. "I don't know what you think you're going to do with them, but I can assure you this: _you will not leave this train_."

"THROW THE PASTIES, PETER!" James yelled abruptly from in front of Vladmira.

"Right," Peter said, taking aim at the trolley lady.

 _Wait. There's a better way, a quicker way, a way I can get back to Emmeline-_

He adjusted his trajectory ever so slightly so it would land right on the back of a boy with messy black hair and square-framed glasses. _Sorry, James,_ Peter said. _But you'd do the same if it was Lily_.

Peter threw the pastie square at James' back, and it hit home. James disappeared in an orange flash of light.

"FRIENDLY FIRE!" Remus screamed, diving frantically away from Peter, who pivoted on his heel and threw another deadly pasty at Remus. Remus' face- Peter's target- an expression of raw betrayal covering his scar-marred visage, moved Peter a little- he almost regretted his actions. But then he thought of Emmeline's shining green eyes and full lips and angel-soft hair and all his regret washed away. He turned on his heel to see Sirius, his brown eyes aghast with shock. Peter shrugged. "Sorry, Sirius. You wouldn't understand." Peter lobbed the pastry at Sirius, who tried unsuccessfully to dodge it. The pastie struck him on his shoulder, making him disappear in a flash of orange light.

Peter was now left on the roof of a fast-moving train with a potential murderer- and one that moved pretty quick for being about four hundred years old. So he did the only thing he could think of- he darted forwards, stole a stack of chocolate frogs, and smashed the remaining pastry on his head- and with a flash of orange light, he was back in the compartment again.

Three fourteen year-old boys were sitting on the bench, looking at him resentfully.

"What?" Peter asked, shifting uncomfortably.

Sirius looked at him with thinned eyes. "You _know_ what."

James shook his head, sighing heavily. "Never thought you'd be the traitor out out of the four of us, Pete."

"Please, like you wouldn't have done the same thing if Evans was waiting to snog you."

James smiled slightly. "Nah, I would've done way worse."

Peter turned to Remus. "In order to win your forgiveness, I brought you these," he said, holding out the stack of chocolate frogs to the tall boy slouched over the makeshift table. Remus huffed. "It's a good thing you're not evil, Pete, because if you were, you could manipulate me so easily," Remus said, tearing the wrapper off the frog and handing the card to James.

Sirius eyed him suspiciously. "I don't trust you, laddie. That was a trashy thing to do."

Peter sighed. "Look, I get that you don't get romance, but this girl means a lot to me. And I'll explain it later, but right now, she's waiting for me, and I want to see her. So, later, lads."

Peter went to open the door, but his hand was engulfed in a flash of orange light, and he yanked his hand back. The other three boys exploded into laughter.

"The rules don't change, Peter," Remus said from where he was wheezing by the window. "It doesn't matter if you're the one using the pastie, if you get hit, you're stuck."

"Serves you right," James said, chuckling with his feet propped up on the opposite bench.

Sirius had nothing to say; he was a little busy rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Peter sighed, flopped down on the bench, and shrugged. "Well, I can't really think of another place I'd rather be stuck. Oh, wait-"

James flung his arms out, hitting Remus on the chest. "Waiwaitwait, hold up. We're stuck here, too."

Sirius stopped laughing.

Remus shrugged. "Sounds like a pretty good time to work on remote mischief-making techniques to me."

"I think you're right. And it's a good thing you're stuck here, Pete, because otherwise, we'd be testing them out on _you_."

Peter shook his head. "Well, lads, let's get to work. There's nothing better to do here."

"Nothing better? You make me feel so unappreciated, Peter," Sirius said.

Peter cracked a grin. "You know, you guys might be annoying, but I'm glad you're here."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Cut it out, you old sap. You're going to make James cry."

"Am not!"

Sirius chuckled. "Oh, sure."

Peter clapped his hands. "Come on, you guys. We have mischief to manage."


	5. Year 5

**Let's… let's just pretend I haven't been blatantly ignoring this story and writing in general. It's been crazy around here what with applying for college and AP tests and other petty emotional troubles. But hey, here I am. I'm trying. Right? Also, it's pride month, so here's a little treat for y'all ;) Please leave me your thoughts and comments! I want to know how I can get better!**

 _Year 5_

"I _told_ you it was there."

Remus was standing in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express with three fifteen year-old boys, doubled over a map of Northern England spread over a stack of trunks.

"How have we never noticed this before?"

Sirius looked at James with derision. "Well, I can think of _someone_ who would have distracted you-"

James shoved Sirius into the window. "Shut up."

"Can we please focus on what's important here?"

"Sorry, Moony."

Peter stood on his tiptoes, trying to see over the three boys. "I don't get it. What are we looking at?"

James smirked. He threw his arm around Peter, pulling him close as he pointed dramatically to a spot on the map. " _That_ is what we're looking at, Wormtail, old boy."

Sirius smiled in satisfaction. "There's a river _closer_ than the Nidd. It's about a half-hour past Kings' Cross. And _this_ time, we have a better plan than walking off the top of the roof."

Peter looked at Remus curiously. "What is it?"

James smiled. "Brooms."

Remus closed his eyes, feeling panic begin to set in. He hadn't been on a broom since flying lessons in their first year- which had ended with a less-than-mild concussion, two broken wrists, and a trip to the hospital wing on his part.

James teased him. "Is our new prefect worried about breaking the rules?

Sirius looked intently over at Remus. Seeing his discomfort, said, "Nah it's the brooms." Sirius clapped him on the back. "Don't worry, mate. You can ride with me."

Remus smiled thankfully, but blushed slightly. As of late, his feelings for Sirius had become a little less brotherly and a little more… _no, don't think about that now, especially not since you're going to have to ride on a broomstick with him, it's too close and it'll just end poorly-_

"Moony? You okay?"

James' warm brown eyes peered into Remus' face. "The full moon is coming up soon, do you want to stay here? We don't have to go this year-"

"No, no, it's not that," Remus said hurriedly, avoiding eye contact with Sirius. "Let's go, I'm, er, excited."

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure you are," Peter muttered, chuckling slightly. "That's definitely what you're feeling right now-"

"Shut up, Wormy," Remus said, shoving him and turning red. He turned to James and Sirius, both of who were eyeing the two curiously. "What-" Sirius started, but Remus cut him off quickly.

"Shouldn't we tie something to our window so we know which one it is if something goes wrong?"

Sirius turned to him with bright eyes. "But Moony, imagine us flying into the Great Hall right before the Sorting, everyone's eyes on us-"

James interrupted. "And Evans's eyes shining, buzzing Snivellus on the Slytherin table and dumping soup all over his greasy face-"

Peter butted in. "And imagine the applause, Moony. We'd be the coolest kids on the grounds. We'd strut everywhere we go, girls all over us- you can't plan ahead, I know it's gonna work this time-"

Moony sighed, exasperated. "Look, fellas, I want this to work as much as you do. But the fact of the matter is, Vladmira the Impaler has caught us every single time we've tried this. It's better to have a plan and not need it than to be stuck on the top of a train, begging for our lives at the hands of a lady of indeterminate age."

The three remaining Gryffindors considered this.

"That doesn't sound too badass,"Sirius said uneasily.

"And we don't want another Aubrey experience, do we?" Lupin cautioned.

Peter conceded. "Sirius, give me your shirt and we'll tie it to the window."

Sirius, never turning down an opportunity to strut around without a shirt on, immediately ripped it dramatically from his chest. Remus looked at him, then seeing his scrawny but still somewhat muscular form, blushed and averted his eyes. Peter winked at Remus as he passed, smiling in a very self-satisfied way.

James, Sirius and Peter all pulled out their broomsticks and performed the familiar action of boosting each of the other out the window. Once on the roof, they mounted their broomsticks, and Remus got on uncertainly behind Sirius. He looked back at Sirius' shirt flapping merrily in the wind, and with a mix of excitement and debilitating anxiety, wrapped his hands around Sirius' waist.

"Like what you feel, Moony?" Sirius said jokingly.

"What? No!" Remus said anxiously, a little too fast.

Sirius clapped his hand to his chest in an overly dramatic fashion. "Merlin, Lupin, it was a joke. You don't have to hurt my ego like that." Was it just Remus, or did he see a little bit of hurt in his beautiful, wonderful, warm, kind, gorgeous eyes-

With a smooth push, Sirius' Nimbus 1200 lifted off the ground.

"You good, Moony?" Sirius asked quietly. "I know this is hard for you-"

Remus cut him off. "Nah, I trust you. Don't worry about me, just get us off this damned train."

He fixed his eyes on the tattoos on Sirius' back. He had been there last summer when Sirius sweet talked the magical tattoo artist in Knockturn Alley into giving an underage wizard a tattoo. A bit of gold had changed hands, and then the four boys were ushered into a back dark room that gave Remus an asthma attack, and which he feared for the sanitary state of.

Moving across Sirius' back were a dog, stag, rat, and wolf, all romping together next to the Hogwarts castle. He also knew that just below the waist of his belt, Sirius had his brother Regulus' initials tattooed, but that they disappeared when someone he didn't trust was around-

"VLADMIRA ALERT!" James shouted over the roar of the wind.

He tightened his grip on Sirius' waist. "GO FORWARD, FAST!" Sirius screamed back to Peter.

Remus turned around, and he was slightly ashamed at the shivers that went down his spine at the sight of a smiling old woman. But he knew, he knew that those pasties were deadly, that those withered old hands were about to turn into ice spikes-

James slowed to become level with Sirius and Remus. "Pete's broom is awful, it's too slow," he yelled over the wind. "That Shooting Star won't go faster than Vladmira, not by a long shot."

Remus looked back. "Our window is too far. We'll never make back it past her."

"We're just going have to go through another window." _Please, please not the new head boy, I'm a prefect now, I can't do something like this-_

James was shouting again. "I'll go back and get Pete! You guys find a window and go through it. We'll meet you there!"

James turned his broom around and rocketed towards Peter, who was looking panicked as Vladmira began to catch up with him. Meanwhile, Sirius turned them to the left and hovered above the nearest open window.

"Jump, Moony, you have to go through."

But Remus couldn't seem to let go. "I- I- I can't-"

"Don't worry, I'll catch you if you fall."

There was such honesty in Sirius' eyes that Remus' fears melted away. Combined with his confidence in the boy's flying abilities after seeing him fly for three years on the school Quidditch team, Remus found the courage to grab onto the top of the train and swing in through the window.

"Remus? Are you alright?"

He only had time to see a flash of bright red hair and green eyes before Sirius landed in a pile on top of him. A bitter voice, dripping with sarcasm joined the more concerned tones of Lily Evans. "They're trying to run away together. How sweet."

Before Remus could try to get up, he felt more weight land on top of him. He could only assume Peter landed, but as soon as the fourth body landed on top of him, he heard James' voice deepen and say, "Evans".

Lily's concerned voice hardened immediately. "Potter. I should have known."

"Spending your time thinking about me, eh-"

James was cut off as Remus pushed the pile of boys off him. "Sorry for intruding, Lily. I'm afraid we were trapped by Vladmira the Impaler and our first string escape plan didn't work out so well."

Lily looked back at Remus in confusion. "Who now?"

Sirius got to his feet, extending his arms out ot help Remus up. "The trolley cart lady. She's surprisingly deadly."

Snape looked at the four boys with disdain. Peter was still facedown on the floor from where Remus had knocked him, clutching his Shooting Star with white knuckles and panting heavily. Sirius had helped Remus up and was still clutching onto him tightly. James' hair was more annoyingly windswept than usual, and was splayed, gangly-legged on the ground, his elbow leaning on the seat next to Lily and smiling winningly up at her.

Remus saw Snape's lip curl as Lily tried to hide a smile at the mischief makers scattered around her. "Lily, this is clearly a violation of the school rules, and as prefects, we must enforce and-"

"I know, I know, Sev," Lily said, still trying to hide her grin. "Potter, I believe an attempt to escape the school train is, as proved by Bertram last year, an offense punishable by detention?"

"My dear Evans," James said, running his hands through his hair, "there is no-one else I'd rather have punish me."  
-

"You miserable blighter," Sirius said grumpily to James, pushing past him in the school corridor as they made their way back to their compartment. "She probably wouldn't have given the rest of us detention if you hadn't said that."

Peter stomped past him irritably. "Lily likes me!" he complained. "Why would she have done that?"

"It's because we're associated with James," Remus said, smirking in a self-satisfied sort of way. Sirius looked back at him crabbily. "Shut up, Moony, _you_ didn't get detention."

The hurt Remus felt from this must have shown on his face, because James pulled him aside to an empty compartment and shut the door. "He doesn't mean it, you know."

"What?" Remus said, genuinely confused. James rolled his eyes. "I've seen the way you look at him."

Remus started to protest. "What? No, I don't-" The messy-haired boy cut him off. "Don't worry about it. He feels the same way as you."

James smiled at Remus and tousled his hair, then left the compartment, smiling complacently. Remus was frozen in place, his mind trying to work through what James had just said to him.

James and Sirius were essentially brothers, which meant they told each other everything, which meant James knew who Sirius liked. And according to the Marauder's Code, established after the boys found out Remus was a werewolf, no Marauder could lie to another. Which meant-

A grin spread broadly over Remus' face. He turned smartly on his heel and caught up with his friends, finally feeling ready to take the year on.


End file.
